You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
