My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
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