Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
