I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
