i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I would ride that face into the sunset
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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