So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
