everyone is single if you try hard enough
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
