I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
