i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My dick has a subreddit
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
