he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
