ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
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Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
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I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Someone signed my nipple.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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