I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
