he wants to bone in the snuggie
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
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She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
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I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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