new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
