Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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