Plan B is the new Plan A
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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