oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
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A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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