i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
