you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
