so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
