i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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