I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
