i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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