Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
