please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
