i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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