Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
pop tarts are not kleenex
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
