and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
