A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
