So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
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I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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