I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
