If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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