you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We had to coat check the pizza.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
