i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
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If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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