I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
