I've blown a few things in my day
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
