His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
