that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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