all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
