We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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