Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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