It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
