i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
