He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
