Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
