You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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