even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
