my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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