just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
