So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
