My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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