I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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