Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You took a bar mat shot.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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