She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
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I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
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Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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