I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
